The Couples Coach
Sue Saker CPCC ORSCC
Life & Relationship Coach
Tel: +44 (0)7976 729710
Helping relationships go from good, or even pretty crap, to great (or at least better!)
"I think it sounds perfect but I don't know how to mention it to my partner or convince him / her"
It quite possibly will but that's a good thing. Huh?? How can it be a good thing?
The issues will already be there but the couple may be unaware of them - they may be showing up in other, unrelated ways. Perhaps in how you relate to one another or in getting frustrated with other aspects of your partner. In short, they will still be eating away at your relationship but perhaps without either one or both of you knowing what's really the issue.
Relationship Coaching will not cause any issues that weren't already there. What it will do is bring them to the surface so that all viewpoints can be aired and heard. From that point you can decide together how to deal with them.
"I'm worried it will highlight issues we didn't know we had"
"The coach is bound to side with my partner and I'll feel got at"
"The coach is going to tell us how to run our relationship when she knows nothing about us"
"I'm under a lot of pressure at work right now, I haven't got the time or energy to deal with something else"
"It feels like we'll be airing our dirty laundry in public"
A common problem. How do you even broach the subject without your partner assuming there's some major issue and you're really unhappy?
I suggest thinking about your partner and what he / she wants to hear. You know them best but really step into their shoes for a moment - what will their fears be and how can you allay them upfront. Some suggestions may be:
"I know that I want to spend the rest of our lives together and so I just want us to make sure we have the best relationship possible by going to see a coach. It's not councelling and isn't meant for when couples are in crisis. It's a bit like a personal trainer but instead of getting fitter we'll get an even better relationship. And there's a free trial session"
or
"Our relationship has changed since we had the kids and I think it's important that we invest some time in us as a couple again"
or
"I know I've been a bit grumpy lately and I don't want to be like that with you. I think coaching could help us to be better together"
This process isn't about right and wrong. As your coach I remain completely neutral and don't take sides. My role is to facilitate the conversation, articulate what I can see is happening and then help you both to come up with better ways of relating.
Rather than feel 'got at' the aim is that you will both have ample opportunity to have your views heard but in a constructive manner. Where emotions are running high, eg if it's a very sensitive topic, I will encourage you to vent your emotions towards me rather than at your partner. That way no one should feel under attack.
My role is also to allow the emotions to be heard and to search for the underlying reasons and values. With this new awareness your relationship can move forward.
Absolutely not. There is no set formula for how a relationship should work, who should take on what roles and even what roles need to be there.
Coaching brings out what matters to you as a couple and, as a coach, I don't judge what will work for you both. The educational part is simply introducing new techniques and awareness to help you in how you communicate.
A very understandable concern. However when isn't there pressure coming at us from somewhere? By having a strong, stable and supportive relationship we are more able to deal with that external pressure.
Can you really not commit one hour every 2 weeks to focus on your relationship with the person you choose to be with?
There will never be 'the perfect time' so why not make it now when those external pressures are no doubt putting additonal stress on the relationship. What impact will your commitment have on your partner?
Everything we discuss is completely confidential and, as a coach, I do not judge.
Relationships are tricky and we are not taught the skills that can help them to thrive. Everyone has aspects of themselves that they would rather weren't there and those aspects often show up most spectacularly in our closest relationships. This does not make you wrong, it simply makes you Human.
Other concerns not mentioned here? Please just get in touch and I am more than happy to talk it through.